Cafe racer? Yeah guy, I’m racing to the cafe before they run out of egg sandwiches. Then I’m gonna cruise around at a comfortable 25 MPH while sucking on a delicious iced coffee. How’s that dominatrix paddle you made into a seat treatin’ ya?

Oh, you want to know how I can enjoy iced coffee on a motorcycle? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Motorcycle Cupholder: The Jalopnik Review.

Based on your responses in our conversations about “what your ride” (a diverse range of bikes) and “what you wear when riding” (almost everybody who comments here is ATGATT) I know many of you readers are serious riders. So the first thing you’re probably wondering– “is this jackass serious or is he just trolling his colleagues?” The answer is, as usual, a little bit of both.

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See I love motorcycling, but I don’t really like to go hardcore that often. I enjoy the occasional arousal of the engine to the rev limiter as much as the next red-blooded American, but the strong majority of my riding takes place at below 40 MPH.

I also like to drink coffee. Ideally, during all waking moments. You can probably see where this is going.

The idea of a bike cupholder came to me in a vision quest I had with a buddy of mine on Venice Beach. We were winding down and walking to the bar when I saw the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen swooping by on one of those rented beach-cruiser bikes.

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Not a sexy tourist — well, maybe that too — but I was more interested in the little chrome ring protruding from the handlebar. In that ring, a sweating cup of iced coffee was cradled. And I had a new obsession.

Grabbing an iced coffee is the perfect excuse to throw a leg over your bike and take a quick blast into town in the summer. But what if you want to get back to work before you’re done drinking? Those watertight coffee containers always end up smelling awful, and riding one-handed is always slightly inconvenient.

(That’s a joke. Even I’m not stupid enough to try riding one-handed.)

Anyway, beverage transport became a priority for my Suzuki GS build so I headed to Home Depot in search of supplies.

Unfortunately, after a pleasant stroll down the plumbing and hardware aisles I came up totally empty except for this sick construction-caution tape sticker I found which looks rad on my computer now.

So I tabled the idea until a few days later, when I was walking my well-worn path through the bicycle section at Wal-Mart. You see, it’s between the Hot Wheels cars and XBOX games.

That’s where this shiny little sucker caught my eye; for five bucks I could get me some sweet coffee-carrying capability, and all I’d have to do was screw the thing on!

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My first plan was to stick it on the Can-Am Spyder, assuming I’d be too bored to bother with driving as I raced Mike Spinelli around Manhattan. That didn’t pan out (handlebar was too fat) but the simple single-screw attachment mated up perfectly to the handlebar on my GS 450.

Pictured: “Eeeexcellent,” with a cameo by Joel’s 4Runner.

And even better; with a size-medium Dunkin’ Donuts cup in place you still a complete range of motion without bonking your cup on the fuel tank.

You do spill a little coffee if the cup’s topped up when you load it in, especially when the bike’s parked on its sidestand. No worries though, worst case your engine has a bit of a sugary java scent to it for a few miles and you lose a few milliliters.

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I also noticed that the condensation from the cup dribbles down to the fuel tank something fierce, so if you don’t like getting that and your thigh wet, don’t bother. But obviously, that’s a small price to pay for being able to bring home your coffee.

Trying to get a sip while underway results in acute testicular discomfort because you have to lean forward so hard, to say nothing of the substantial pain you’ll experience when the straw stabs you in the uvula every time there’s a bump. That means the motorcycle cupholder’s primary purpose is gonna have to be “beverage transportation” rather than “mobile consumption.”

For now I’m gonna go ahead and recommend you confine your drinking to after you’ve arrived. Plus a few sneaky sips at traffic lights, of course.

At least until R&D is complete on the SuperStraw (patent pending). Stay tuned.

Quick Fix” is your regularly scheduled redneck repair show where we try to fix, modify, or build things as cheaply as possible. Methods described herein may be extremely unsafe or downright idiotic.

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Contact the author at andrew@jalopnik.com.